i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
