If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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