She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
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