I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
last night I used snow as a chaser
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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