He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
