Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Randomize
