Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
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