her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Randomize
