My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
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