Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
