Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
