So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
