why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
