Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
