Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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