I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
