just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
