I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
