You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
