just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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