Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
