i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Randomize
