I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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