I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Randomize
