I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
