Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize
