She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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