don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
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