guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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