If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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