so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
