May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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