another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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