You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
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If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
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I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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