I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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