I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
