On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
