if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
