This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
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I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
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I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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