i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
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Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
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