Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize