My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
We had to coat check the pizza.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
