So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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