its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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