I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
