Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
