Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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