you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
