Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
