Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
