So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
