Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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