He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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