You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
